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Church Ladies with Typewriters

Some sentences that were 'really' written in church bulletins or announced during church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at

Calvary Methodist.  Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING

Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference

includes meals."

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water. "The sermon

tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the

recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of

those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your


6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to

a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.  Smile at

someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all

the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of

Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of

hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir

will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is

Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be

recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want remembered.

21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

22. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb

entertainment, and gracious hostility.

23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to


24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They

may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

25. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies

are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S.. is done.

27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation

would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next


28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please

use the back door.

29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend

this tragedy.

30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

31. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign

slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

32. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

33. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of
Rev and Mrs Julius Belzer.

34. This morning there will be a meeting in South and North ends of the church.  Children will be baptised at both ends.

35. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social.  All ladies giving milk will please come early.

36. Wednesday.  The Ladies Liturgy Society will meet.  Mrs Jones will sing, "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

37. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All those wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

38. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

39. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

40. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.  All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

(See you in church on Sunday)

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