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Relationships In The Computer Age


Subject: Wife 1.0

To: Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention
of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during system initialization, where it monitors
all other system activity.

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5
and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
background while attempting to run some of my other
favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the un-install for Wife 1.0 does not work. 

Can you help me, please!!!



Dear Joseph:

This is a very common problem male employees complain
about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the
idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely
you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system
would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have
tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system.

Look in your help files under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with
the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action
will be to enter the DOS-command

C:\APOLOGIZE or click the I'M SORRY! Icon for Macintosh
systems. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE/SORRY
command before the operating system will return to normal.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for
all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high

Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0
and is likely to cause irreversible damage to YOUR hardware.


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance
 - particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail!

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Answer from IT-Support

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved
Me.html' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the
Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs
a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your
system resources) Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

 Tech Support

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