I met a Dutch girl
with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but
unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.
see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my
girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you
get my drift?".
went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled
saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull a fast one".
said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?". I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".
I said to the Gym
instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How
flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter,
asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But anyway I'm in great
mood at the moment because the other day I entered a competition and I
won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's
see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".
I was having dinner with
Garry Kasporov (the world chess champion) and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example remember
Goran, even he's a witch.
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
I was in Tesco's and I
this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an
lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
thought to myself "That's a turtle disaster".
fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out!
We don't want your type in here"
jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything".
priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman
says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in here".
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a
man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
"Pint please, and one for the road."
three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who
entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different
puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Jamal." The other goes to a
family in Spain they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. Once you've seen Juan,
you've seen Jamal."